apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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