Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
