I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
