The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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