How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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