Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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