Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
