Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
