I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
