i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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