Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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