what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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