dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
