I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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