Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
