But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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