To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
