the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
