two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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