My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I intend to get homeless drunk
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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