whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
