You're completely useless in the revolution.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize