You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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