I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
