porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
