so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I want a musical about memes.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize