Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
