Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
