Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
