Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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