brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
