literally had 100 drinks last night.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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