a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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