I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
