how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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