Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
my sisters under your porch take her home
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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