Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
