He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
