Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
