im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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