I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
