oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
