Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
