You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
