Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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