she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
