why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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