I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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