I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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