I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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