I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
