So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
