Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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