I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
