Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
