He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
