He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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