what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
