my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
