I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize