Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
