Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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