I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
