Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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