here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
