I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
