Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
