I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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