I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
